Knowing makes reality even realer.

This morning I googled my biological fathers obituary. I have done this before without ever finding anything, but it had recently been mentioned to me that he was indeed deceased. Maybe the prior knowledge made the difference, maybe I was just ready this morning, maybe its all chance and chaos, but there it was right at the top of the list.

I have been trying to figure out why I have been so emotionally impacted by this.

As far as I can remember I only met him once. I think I was around 26 years old at the time. I politely spent some time around him for a couple days and never looked back after he went back to wherever he came from. I suppose now I feel guilty and regretful that I didn’t at least try to make it easier for him. He was trying to reach out after all.

Maybe I just really don’t enjoy being reminded of the fact that I recreated the same absent father situation.

Echos of patterns and ripples on the water. I suppose we are all given our own set of obstacles to overcome and patterns to break.

I am not blaming anyone. I choose to believe all the adults in my early life were doing the best they could. I know everything is as it should be. So I try to turn my attention to gratitude.

I know I am who I am today because of the love and care of my grandparents. I know it was not easy for my mother to do what what was best for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand the role my stepfather played and why, but I am truly grateful that he was there. I feel closer to my sister than I ever have, and I am grateful for that. I get to spend time with Stephanie’s parents now, and I am grateful for that.

I was already planning on sending back my 23andMe sample this weekend. I am more excited than ever to get the results.

It is strange to see (in the obituary) the names of a bunch of half siblings and other relatives I didn’t really know about. I wonder if they know about me?

I know I am not bound by where I came from, or even who I’ve been, but I haven’t really ever understood either of those things. I've invested a lot of energy in telling myself that it wasn't important to know.

That survival mechanism served it’s purpose, and I am grateful for that as well.

I guess more will be revealed